Anxiety & Me

I never thought I would have to worry about anxiety.

Stress and depression happened to other people. I'd seen it affect others but nope, not me.
 I was working in a high-pressure environment which l loved and I was completely ‘together”.

But after my brain haemorrhage in 2013, I started suffering really bad anxiety.

To be honest, I defy anyone to go through what I did with a young family and come out the
other end feeling completely fine.

 There are no two ways about it. The haemorrhage I suffered was BIG and I am incredibly
 lucky to be alive.

In fact I very nearly died and for six months afterwards I had to live with the fear (and trust me,
 I was terrified) that I could have another bleed without any notice and die.

That was until I chose (!) to have another (I’d already had several) very big and very scary brain
surgery where there was a substantial risk of death or further injury. 

As a mother to two young children, I spent the whole time trying to be brave. Hard doesn't even
 come close to describing how this was! No wonder I had big sleep problems and developed
major anxiety.

Now I worry about everything -  a lot.  I try not to let it show or let it overtake me but trust me,
 I constantly worry. Just writing this post has taken an awful lot of strength but I know it is
important to talk about.

I am literally worried all the time about everything – you can read my 'Many Joys of Being
Disabled ' posts to see all the extra stuff I get to worry about on top of all the normal things.
 Lucky me- no wonder I struggle!!

I feel very sorry for my husband - he married a confident girl. Now, I constantly feel like I am
walking on eggshells and the next disaster is around the corner … but hey ho there isn't much
 I can do about things – and the good news is that in all likelihood, my recovery will continue
and my mobility and speech will get better.

For a long time I wouldn't have written this because I didn't want people to know about it. It
was too private. Plus at first I didn't really accept that I had a problem (everybody worries,
right?!).

I thought admitting anxiety might cause me problems if I ever wanted to work again.  However
I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed by having an anxiety problem. Also, let’s face it: I
have been out of law for 10 years, sound different, can't drive and have substantially reduced
mobility. I don't think me talking about anxiety (which I think is understandable) is going to be
 my biggest problem!

To be honest, it actually helps now that I can see it as an illness - everyone worries, although I
 have to remind myself, not like me. I just manage it as best as I can.

Nowadays, I can catastrophise everything - literally the smallest thing and in my head it turns into
the end of the world.

I still fear death/disaster - I always think of that this might be the last time I do 'x' or ‘y’ because
something bad will happen. At least I am always surprised/pleased when I get to do it again!

Worries go around and around in my head on a loop – and it is awful.  For example, anxiety
ruined my whole weekend recently and left me sobbing like a loony in the supermarket over
 an upsetting situation.

To cope, I have sessions with a counsellor every 6 weeks, which is about right for me. For the
 first few years I had weekly sessions with a clinical psychologist which were reduced to
monthly sessions with an assistant psychologist before my current anxiety busting schedule of
 seeing a counsellor every 6 weeks.

Part of the difficulty in the story of my brain haemorrhage was that in the beginning I couldn't
 really comprehend what had happened.

I’d literally gone on holiday to Wales, said goodnight to the kids, went to bed one night and
overnight everything changed.

I’d had a massive brain bleed and almost died.  In a coma for a few days.

Now I sounded different, had been without my children for 3 months (not having seen them at
 all for 1 month), was stuck in a wheelchair and was living with my in laws.

That's a lot of change without factoring the strains it had on relationships between friends and
family, bringing up my children and work!

I have always seen my counselling sessions as my hour to moan. My husband, who had already
 come to one appointment, offered to come with me again and because it was my hour to moan I
 said 'no thank you' (I couldn't do that if he was there!) OK, I have far less to moan about these
days and every 6 weeks is about right but brain haemorrhage or not, I think everybody should
have an occasional hour where they can just whinge.

I have tried loads of other things which have helped my anxiety: counselling, hypnotherapy
with Elle Torry at Stour Valley Hypnotherapy, daily meditation, Emotional Freedom Technique
 (EFT) with a lady called Ruth Baker and Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) with  a lady
called Wendy Smith at Red Castle Consultancy to name but a few.  I also find Rescue Remedy
and a herbal remedy called Arsenicum really useful. 

It's funny because a lot of the things I have tried to help with my anxiety, things I would have
discounted before as 'fluffy' but have turned out to be really useful.

The things I have tried I might have once been sceptical about but I'd be the first to hold my
hands up and say I was wrong to think that. In my situation you would try anything to make
life easier and I am SO glad I went outside the box!

Now, I absolutely love an app on my phone called Headspace. I take 10 minutes most days
 for me and do a daily meditation. I would thoroughly recommend it – I like its clear and
no-nonsense approach. (I do want to make it clear here I’m recommending them on my own,
 and I am not being sponsored by or affiliated in any way with Headspace). I just like the app.

Overall, six years on, things are generally better for me. I can go outside (see my post "Things
 that make my life easier/better: access to the outside ”). I do the school run on my scooter, my
extreme tiredness is better and I live in my own house. This has all helped make my anxiety
manageable. No, it is not gone, and I still have times where it is all encompassing but I know
that it will end and it will be manageable again.

It can be very hard sometimes but I am a lot better at standing up for myself and saying my
 health matters. 

I am also far kinder to myself. I take time for myself and put myself, apart from my children,
 first (this was actually hard for me because I have previously put friends first).

I have also come to realise that how much and what I do has a huge knock on effect on me and
therefore my family. It is not fair on them if I go ahead and do something I know is likely to
affect me.

I don't want sound completely depressed because I don't think I am a generally depressing
person! I just get on with things and it is heaps better now. I do lots more and my confidence
is back. Not so long ago I wouldn't even phone the school, but last year I was interviewed on
 BBC Radio 4. And I am quite happy to tell various people that their system is rubbish if it is…

Now I tell myself:

‘Onwards and upwards, Claire… onwards and upwards…’