The lost art of kindness

'Be kind' was the message that came out of the TV presenter Caroline Flack’s untimely death.

Then came the fear and restrictions brought by Covid-19. And to my mind, this message was very quickly forgotten.

Back, at the start of the pandemic in March 2020 we all clapped for the carers and offered to buy each other’s shopping. Nothing was too much trouble. Millions offered to become volunteers. Online – where I live most of my life - I noticed that people were slower to jump to conclusions and were less judgemental. Not so much mumshaming (of which more later).

But now, we seem to have forgotten how to be kind.

It’s unsurprising: now emerging from our 3rd national lockdown we are all fed up with restrictions, the economy is on its knees and many have lost their jobs. It’s been a marathon and our patience is running thin.

A friend of mine told me recently that, in a supermarket, she asked another woman to move her shopping trolley. She could have shifted it herself but she didn’t want to because of social distancing. The response? A barrage of abuse.

I am actually nervous to post this because I feel I am just asking for people to be unkind. And I haven't felt that before.

Yes, this past lockdown has been incredibly hard, but I, for one, am tired of whining about it. Aren’t you? It is, has been, hard for most. Instead, I’ve decided on concentrating on being kind. And, as it finally gets lighter and warmer to my mind, it’s the perfect time.

But it raises the question: how can you 'be kind'?

For me kindness is actively listening, being more considerate in what you say and how you act and above all, having more patience, particularly now, when we are all tired and fed up.

Most of us can’t wait to get back to living busy non locked-down lives but I do think we need to remember a few of the lessons from the lockdowns.

Recognising that a slower pace of living can be useful and having a greater understanding of those – like me - who cannot live at a hare’s pace makes a huge difference. The problem is we are often too busy, impatient and on autopilot.

It can be a little thing: like a delivery driver/postman waiting an extra 30 seconds for me to get to the door, or helping me by putting something heavy out of my way. Drivers not parking their cars on the pavement so I can get past on my mobility scooter. These kinds of kind acts literally make my day!

I am very good at complaining but I could improve how much I say, 'Thank you.' If we want people to go above and beyond, surely we should acknowledge when they do?!

I have always thought that with a better understanding, most people (not everyone) will try hard to appear kind - especially if they understand why.

For example, I always start a phone conversation by warning people: ‘listen, I had a brain haemorrhage, so you’ll need to be patient with me’.  For the most part, it takes the pressure off!

It is so important to develop kindness skills early on. I’m sure everyone thinks they are kind, but I have come across quite a few people who would consider themselves kind, yet act very unkindly.

I’ve bought a really good book for my children: 'Have You Filled a Bucket Today? A Guide to Daily Happiness for Kids' by Carol McCloud. In my opinion, it’s really excellent.

The book uses the simple metaphor of a bucket. We all have a bucket, and this gets filled by other people choosing to be kind to us. We can also add to our own buckets by being kind to others. The book might be for children, but it really applies to everyone: have you filled a bucket today?

Since becoming a mum I have seen a lot of mumshaming (you know that term?  - it’s defined in the Urban Dictionary as 'criticizing or degrading a mother for her parenting choices because they differ from the choices the shamer would make'). I have even been accused of this myself.

I'll never forget when I had just become a mum and wanted to make mum friends. A girl I liked wanted to exclude someone else from the group - for no apparent reason. I kept thinking that could be me. Suffice to say, I didn't end up being friends with her.

I share a lot of my ideas/stuff online and some have accused me of ‘mum shaming’.  I don’t see it like that. I really don't think I fit that definition. I share my ideas because I have plenty of time on my hands to try things. Time I didn't previously have. Because I was working all the time. Because I hadn’t had a brain haemorrhage. Because I wasn’t disabled.

When I worked as a solicitor we amended precedents. We weren’t expected to come up with things from scratch every time. All I am doing by sharing my ideas is sharing precedents for others to choose to amend or alter to suit their own lives. Why reinvent the wheel?

Whether you agree with me or not: I have good intentions and I assume most people do…as Caroline Flack said: 'In a world where you can be anything, be kind".